At the request of the writer this blog post is anonymous. Mike
How to begin, I have always found this to be the hardest thing to do, never quite sure what to say or how to express what I have been hiding deep inside for so long. Never knowing if there was something wrong with me, was this was how I was supposed to be, or was I meant to be something else, something more.
Who is going to listen and try to understand, hopefully accept me for who I am, for I have not changed, I am still the same, I am me. Who is going to turn and walk away and pretend I never existed, who is going to support me in my time of transition. That is my biggest fear, how could it not be, I have spent many years living and experiencing this life and making friends I do not want to give up so easily. But the struggle has come to a head, a place that I cannot in my heart remain. The change begins, I feel like a butterfly straight from her chrysalis, spreading her wings for the very first time.
My life has always been complete with struggle and conflict: my heart and soul tells me one thing, while my body tells me something else when I look at myself in the mirror. I have hid this from everyone and for that I have paid dearly, much struggle, much conflict, no I would not wish this on my worst enemy, not once, no way.
How can this be? Who is this person staring back at me? Why can I not be at peace? The thought of being comfortable in my own skin eludes me…for now. Conflict brings depression, depression brings thoughts that no one should have…ever. All I want is peace and harmony…is that too much to ask? To be one with myself….at peace, like when I run, run free. Yes I run, I run to reflect, I run for thought, I run to dream, I run for peace….peace of mind and soul.
Running for me only started a short while ago, it came at the perfect time, a release that I so desperately needed. It allowed me to express myself in ways that I never dreamed possible, always shut in the closet previously…running allowed me to dream, to push my body and let my mind soar. To allow the hidden me out of her cocoon, allow her to soar amongst the clouds…to be free, oh so free.
Running has allowed me to experience that what I thought was impossible, it has given me the courage to break free from the shackles that held me. Oh to be free, oh so free.
I know for some this will be hard to understand, and others will never accept me for who I know I am and that is ok…I am at peace with that. All I wish for is a bit of compassion and understanding. You can’t know what someone else has been through until you walk a mile in those shoes. I have walked that mile and many more, and hope to continue to walk that line if need be. It is the path that I have chosen and I accept that. But I am lucky, I see life from a different perspective, I used to think it was a curse…now I know it is a blessing. It has been a long time coming, years and years of struggle, denial and heartache. But I now know who I am and I am proud to say I am transgender.
I know I cannot change everybody’s mind but if I can change one person to see us as people, normal people just like them, then I will call that a win. For I am a runner just like you, you and you. I take pride in what I do and all my accomplishments.
I look forward to my first big race next month as a girl, it will be my official coming out party and my first…no wait my second opportunity to run as me.
As I am not completely out to the public yet, I will not be sharing my name, but truth be told some will know me, some will not, there will be some surprise, some shock and some probably not….I hope to do that next post, a follow up, if Mike wants me back.
………It’s a great day to be alive.
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