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| Me at the start of the Tuscobia State trail. |
Last year at this time I was running my
last race as a man, I did not know it at the time, honestly I look back and I
think wow have things ever changed in such a short period of time. That race
that I started on January 1st, 2015 was a catalyst to what was to
come for me and my little piece of this world.
Running has been such a big part of
my life for the last eight plus years that when it was taken away due to a
serious injury I went into a bout of depression I have not seen nor experienced
in years. My release, both physically and mentally was suddenly gone and I had
to deal with emotions and thoughts that I was normally able to keep under
control or under wraps so to speak.
On January 1, 2015 I started the
Tuscobia 150 mile Winter Ultra in Wisconsin, this race included the requirement
to carry a certain amount of safety gear, food stuff, water and extra clothing
to keep you safe in case of an emergency. This ultimately means you either
carry it on your back or pull it on a sled, I chose the sled. Unfortunately the
harness system was too big for my slight frame and I did unknown damage that I
will go into more detail about later.
After 65 miles completed I pulled
into one of the two aid stations available to the racers to warm up and prep
for the next stage, this was Birchwood, Wisconsin. With enduring a very cold
night in the backcountry I developed a significant area of frost nip on my nose
and with 85 miles to complete I decided I liked my nose more than the
satisfaction of finishing one of the craziest races I have ever ran. I DNF’ed
at that point and was ok with the decision made. Later I found out how good of
a decision that actually was, everything happens for a reason, I truly believe
this now as I look back on it.
On the way home from Wisconsin I
developed some serious abdominal pain that kept getting worse and worse, enough
that I went to Emergency when I made it back to Winnipeg and if you know me I
do not like going to the doctor for any reason, let alone hospitals. Apparently
the ill-fitting harness did some serious damage to my abdominal muscles,
basically shredded them from the repeated pounding from the harness as I ran
those 65 miles. This would keep me from running for 5 months, which to me was a
lifetime and not having my place of peace to think and sort through things
quickened my eventual transformation into who I am today. My next race was the
Ottawa Marathon as Bobbi in May, the only race I finished in 2015.
As you can understand my confidence
was at an all-time low, I have started some big races in 2015, including the
Canadian Death Race and Lost Souls. With my transition and all the changes that
were happening to my body and also my emotions I was unable to push myself
beyond that point like I used to be able to
and finish them. This was crushing to me, even though I have never been
happier, I was finally able to be me, those thoughts that I would never be able
to finish that big race again were creeping into my mind. I needed to finish a
difficult race and prove to myself that I could still do it and not just
finish, but finish strong.
Tuscobia
2016 was that race, with the help of my amazing friend Sue Lucas and her
well-fitting harness and sled; I started the 80 miler on Saturday, January 8th.
I was nervous and excited and it had been a while since I felt that way, I had
a feeling that this was going to be my coming back party. I decided that the 80
miles would be the way to get my confidence back; attempting the 160 miler was
in my mind, a few years away. Let’s get this one done, my confidence back and
start my year off on a high note. Let me be clear this is not an easy race and
the 80 miler is no guarantee in the least. Hauling a 25 to 30 pound sled for 80
miles through the backcountry of Wisconsin with temperatures ranging from -12 F
to -40 F is no walk in the park, this was to be my first test and I was not
taking it lightly.
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| My sled, # 54 |
Thirty-six
80 milers started that morning, a combination of some seriously hardcore male,
female and one transgender J runners took up the
challenge to run between 22 hours and 31-ish hours to finish the course. The
trail started out well packed and groomed and I was off to a good pace as I hit
the trail hard. About 5 miles in, the snow started to fall, some amazingly large
flakes that added to the resistance of the sled pull but that would not stop
me, I bared down and got to work. Temps were holding steady at -12 until the
sun went down and then steadily dropped over the next few hours, holding fast
in the -20’s until about 2am. This is the scary part about doing these races,
the temperatures, it’s so hard to predict what they will drop too and what you
will need to have for clothes, this year I took no chances and probably carried
an extra 5 lb. of layers that I would not of normally have and I was glad I
did. I had everything on by 3 am as the temps dropped to about -40, it was
colder than I have ever experienced in a race and I still had about 35 miles to
go. It was so cold and I was sweating, shivering and hallucinating, I love this
definition: experience a seemingly real
perception of something not really present, typically as a result of a mental
disorder or of taking drugs….well or running a ultra, lol.
I was seriously
thinking I was seeing the first signs of hypothermia, so I made the rational
decision to pull off the trail and get into my winter sleeping bag and bivy
(thank you Blake) and try to get my core temperature regulated back to
semi-normal again. This took me approximately ninety minutes of huddling on the
side of the trail with all types of nasty thoughts going through my head. Was I
done again? I could not let this happen, I willed myself to get warm and slowly
but surely my core temperature rose and the shivering stopped. The relief I
felt was crazy, as I got out of that bag and packed my stuff back into the
sled. I was off again with a new found determination to finish this race.
I
was coming up on Birchwood, the location that I dropped the previous year and
the point that I knew once I passed that this was race was in the bag, this
year they did not have a checkpoint here, only one location and it was long
gone. But there was an amazing little gas station with a café style set up that
I decided to stop at and actually use the bathroom instead of freezing my bare
bum again. With a quick defrost and a cheeseburger I was once again off on the
trail with 17 miles to go, almost home, almost done. I was past Birchwood; this
smile was growing across my face, of course being well aware to not be to wide,
frozen teeth hurt. I will not lie, the last leg hurt, it hurt a lot, but I kept
those legs moving as I got closer and closer to Rice Lake, I pushed along with
one running pole, as one broke about mile 40 making my life just that much more
difficult as the broken one got a free ride in the sled, lucky bastard.
I
pushed forward and forward and forward some more. Those last miles felt like
forever as I moved along, with about 7 miles left I came upon Mike, one amazing
runner. Mike is deaf and was running the 80 miler, think about this for
a minute, not being able to hear snow mobiles or anything else for that matter
and running in the backcountry, totally amazing. Mike and I ran together for
the last bunch of miles, really the only person that I ran with the entire way,
I like my quiet time and running with someone who is deaf is the perfect
situation for me…no chit chat, just running and enjoying.
We
pulled into Rice Lake and hit the last leg of the journey, Mike motioned me to
run ahead, he wanted me to finish first, what a gentleman, so reluctantly I ran
ahead, pulling that sled towards the finish line and my redemption. The finish
line was sweet, there were five people out there cheering, you have to remember
this is a race when most runners can be hours apart, including Chris (the RD),
Scott (a friend from Chicago) and three amazing volunteers. I was never so
happy to see that finish line; I was done, both literally and figuratively.
After 28 hours and 59 minutes of running and pulling I had finished what I had
started. I was elated to say the least, I was back and it felt good.
It
felt good to finish this race as I was intended too, knowing I could run an
ultra and finish it especially one as nasty as this one brought such joy to me,
I could not even attempt to describe it. So whatever you do, don’t settle, be
strong, be resilient. Work hard and don’t give up…be proud of all your
accomplishments…you earned them.
A
footnote, 20 runners finished the 80 miles of those 36 starters, I finished 13th
overall and 3rd female (although with my transgender status I would
not take the placing and would of passed it to the next female finisher if it
was offered), I was so happy with my finish and results, tickled pink actually.
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| Still smiling at mile 35. |
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What you look like after finishing 85 miles in almost 29 hours.
Happy! |
It's a good day to be alive.
Bobbi
